Sometimes, there is as much charm in dying as much is in living. Today I await my death lying in the hospital and I have a message for everyone out there. I lived a stormy and glamorous life. I was a theater performer and a have a wonderful family which has been with me through all the ups and downs. I always lived by one principle, love people compassionately and follow your passions. I adhered by this all my life but as I approached 70s I realized I have become old and could not follow my passion of acting, and eventually my health gave away. My breathing became slow and there was persistent pain in my chest and abdomen. One night this pain became unbearable and here I am in the hospital fighting congestive heart failure. Who knows how many days I’ll live, but indeed I have realized that if you live life for a purpose, it becomes much easier and happier than living a vague and undirected life.

It was obvious and yet I never saw it coming. For five months, to be precise it was September when my heart beat started changing pace, it became erratic still I never gave it a thought. It would go awry for a while and then come back and I would forget about it. It was a week ago, when once again it went back, but this time it refused to return back to normal. Also, between September and December I started to develop breathing problems and started gaining weight too. It was in December that my stomach became distended. I had no idea what this was and had forgotten that there was a history of heart disease on my mom’s side and that she too had died of it when she was 61 years old. It was 22nd of February when I couldn’t sleep at all and was completely out of breadth and was admitted to the hospital. I stayed at the hospital for 5 long days and underwent various tests that finally revealed that I suffered from the symptoms of congestive heart failure. Some things come uninvited and this was just one of those things. I have compromised with it, but there is still a long way to go.

Life is a hard reality and it gets harder when you know it will soon come to an end. I have been fighting congestive heart failure since I was 21 years old and I write this as I celebrate my 33rd birthday. By the time I was 25, my heart failed completely and doctors said I would need a transplant. The problem with transplant was that I had the rarest blood type i.e. AB with Rh negative factor and ultimately I ended up having a pacemaker, 3 stints in the hospital and a bypass surgery. Two years ago I found that not only my heart but also my lungs were giving way and that my liver was malfunctioning. My heart grew three times in size, I had jaundice and developed calcium deposits. I was in bed all day long with morphine drips and feeding tubes and most of the time all I wished to commit a suicide as I could no longer see my husband, mother and 8 year old daughter suffer on my behalf. But slowly things became better and today I have accepted my condition and have no anger in my heart.

Lately, I have developed faith in the words, “You get what you deserve”. I learnt this lesson the hard way and I hope after reading my story you won’t wait for something dreadful to knock you off; rather you will make sure to give yourself a smoother ride. Two years back I used to be a different person, hanging around with the wrong people I eventually fell in the drug trap. One July night I went into the Urgent care and surprisingly was admitted and was told that I have Congestive Heart Failure. The doctor’s words brought the picture of my two year old son right in front of my eyes and all of a sudden I was immersed in a haze of guilt. After 10 days I was sent home with a diffibulator vest and looked horribly funny to my son. I wore it for three long months and started using Coreg, a heart medicine. It had worked wonders for me and made my heart stronger and now I feel younger. Finally to make my story shorter all I would say is, “Know what you do, because it will come back to haunt you. If not now, then later, but it will.”

I suffered an attack of congestive heart failure 8 years ago and have been able to cope due to medicines, a low sodium diet and a pacemaker implant. 9 months ago, for no apparent reason my heart condition was deteriorating. No one had a clue why this was happening and one day my wife and I went for an ice cream treat to the local farmers market. My wife ordered for a licorice root flavor and surprisingly that had been my favorite too for some time now. Seeing our happiness at getting that flavor the old man at the counter remarked, “I love licorice, but my cardiologist told me not to eat it.” My wife and I instantly looked at each other and the history of the past 9 months was right there in front of our eyes. After this incidence I learnt an important lesson to always be prudent with my diet and avoid foods that might trigger my cardio disease.